High of 75

About a week ago I was outside feeling completely care-free and comfortable in short shorts and a t-shirt. The sun was a welcoming warm. It even made me want to try tanning despite the horrible truth my skin is un-tan-able. I baby sat my friends cute little two-year-old and we enjoyed the swing outside my house and played ball for over an hour.

A couple days later the rain started to fall. I generally love the rain except that this time it seemed to stop and then fall out of nowhere at the most inconvenient times such as on my way to work. Of course the closest parking space to my job was the furthest parking space I had ever had in my life and I was forced to run under the pouring rain hoping my make-up wasn’t sliding off my face. No worries, my face was saved.

Yesterday, the sun looked like it wanted to make a comeback. From my window I was deceived by how beautiful it looked outside. Fact is, sunlight can mean nothing in Chicago. It was still a very cold day much to my disappointment. Still I had hopes that the presence of the sun at least was a promise that spring was finally making a stand for warm weather.

Bright and early at 7:00 am this morning, determined to have a great start to my day with an hour run, I pulled on my running shoes, slipped on a hoodie (which I was hoping I wouldn’t really need), and opened the front door. Not only was the wind that greeted me ice cold, but there was snow on the ground! The thinnest layer, maybe just heavy frost, but it was still frozen which made me very unhappy. Resolutely, I continued my plan to run, although it did take the first thirty minutes of my run to finally feel warmed up enough to put my hood down.

My best friend pointed out that only in Chicago can you experience all four seasons in one week. I feel much like Chicago at times. This whole week I kept singing the song High of 75 by the very awesome group, Relient K.

On and off the clouds will fight for control over the skies, and lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I. –Relient K

I have not experienced a whole range of emotions in one week, but I most definitely have this past month. It started wonderful, comfortable, and care-free.  Soon, however, some things started happening in my life that made me worry. I felt like I might be losing someone very important to me. Then I did. One day I was fine, and then I was devastated. The change was as random and as quick as the weather. Some days I feel like it could be a good and easy day, but then it turns out to be harder and more frustrating than I anticipated. Now I am up and down depending on what I am doing. Sometimes it is the music I listen to. I am pumped with a good pop song, and then the next song on my shuffle makes me glum.

I am a girl, so I guess being emotional is kind of programmed inside of me. I know it is ok to have feelings and express them. I know that a crazy month can equal a crazy me. People are influenced by the situations they find themselves in, but I also know our situations shouldn’t define us. I have a choice to be tough through the harsh weather or not be. Being tough is something I have always been. I don’t always feel tough, and many times I let myself go and make really big mistakes because I let my emotions get the best of me. But overall, I know that I always am able to get back on my feet no matter what. I always have, thanks to God, my mom, my siblings, and my friends. People don’t always want to be tough. We sometimes wish we could just act as broken as we feel and let someone pick us up and put us back together. But we can’t know for sure that anyone will know how to do that so we have to stay strong. I have had a lot people tell me that lately, and they tell me because they know I can do it. The weather will always change, we just have to know how to dress appropriately for it.

Girls

Girls just wanna have fun. Girls just wanna be loved. Girls just wanna feel pretty. Girls just wanna be hugged.

A girl just wants you to listen. A girl needs to know you’re there. She needs to feel your fingers running through her hair.

Girls are just like glass vases. Girls need plenty of care. Even the toughest of girls in the world are vulnerable to tear.

This girl saw past all the bad stuff. This girl was falling so hard. This girl was worth more than millions, too bad that you broke her heart.

Falling in the River

    Curious as any five-year-old child would be, I leaned over the edge of the bank to get a better view of the toad that had dove in to be eaten by the swift and rough river. Instantly, my weight overcame me and I crashed into the rushing waters below.
    I screamed desperately sure that the angry waters would swallow me whole. Now looking back, I believe the river had taken a liking to me. As I swatted at his body, his arm carried me along while his other hand struck a nearby branch onto himself and offered it to me.
    Graciously, quickly I accepted it and took hold. I rode along wearily. He led me as if by the hand to a sand bank. Ever so grateful, I thanked him for saving my life and promised to never trouble him again.

Blue Petals

There is only so much a glass can be filled

But spilled, it can spill forever.

Adding too much sugar will rot your teeth

Too much love, too much giving

Can that be such a horrible problem?

Cavities hurt. The mess is a pain to clean up.

Loving you afflicts me. Giving too much takes parts of me.

This is the red flag.

The red flag is waving in the wind, but I have not the courage to look up…

And spot it.

Wasting, depreciating, dissipating, exhausting

I was a healthy flower. You were dying.

I dropped my leaves to feed your soil

Even when you clearly had nothing to return to me

I gave…

Then, to my surprise you were a rose bush.

You became healthy and overwhelmed me

You enchanted me…your scent….your beauty… your shadow

But you overcame me

You grew.

Your thorns pierced me

Maybe accidentally… maybe unintentionally

What did I do?

I gave some more.

I gave you the room where my roots once thrived

I moved out of the way for you

I died for you

And my lovely blue petals…they cried for you.

You should be crying for me.

Sims

My family owns the PC version of the Sims 3 game and I must say all us kids are quite addicted to it. It’s interesting, how much the game fascinates us when the idea of the game is simply living life. The Sims grow up, go to school, have to find jobs, miss or obtain opportunities, just like real people, the only difference is they aren’t, and we as the players ultimately decide their future. We create them and guide the any way we want them to go. The Sims don’t have super powers, there is no winning or losing in the game therefore there is no competitive factor, but the game is still ever so appealing. What is the catch?

The answer seems pretty obvious. The thing we enjoy most about the game is that we are in control. We control the Sims favorites, skills, careers, house structure, romances, friendships, and the list goes on. More often than not I find that we like to create a Sims character that represents who we are. My Sims character is athletic and loves to write. In fact she is now a very good journalist, one of the best and is working on a Novel. My Sims character is a representation of who I am, but more accurately an image of who I wish I could be. It’s a weak attempt at controlling my own life in a virtual world. Ironically, while I am creating what I wish my life could be like I am wasting time I could actually be living it.

All of this made me realize that I am good at creating ideas in my head and dreaming big, but horribly bad at putting thoughts into action. I love planning out a strict workout schedule that looks great on paper, but have the toughest time getting out of bed to start it. I love picturing myself in a certain career, but I cannot force myself to work hard in school to get there. A lot of times I feel like a failure. Don’t we all feel like this at times? At some point or another, we all feel like life is passing us by; like there are too many opportunities we missed that there is no way we can every make up for them. Frustration takes over and we resort to different options, depending on the person. Some go wild and decide to not care anymore. They live for the moment, for pleasure, and for parties. Others withdraw and become depressed. Some try to find outlets for their frustrations, like trying to live their life through a computer game, or through someone else like a son or a daughter.

We cannot control what happens to us like we can control what happens to the Sims, but we do control our reactions. We control our attitude and our decisions. Our job isn’t to know what is coming, it is to accept what we cannot control and make the best of it. If we let ourselves get down over a bad situation, who are we helping? Nobody! In fact, giving up makes the situation ten times worse. Even after giving up, it is never too late to start trying again. That is a lesson I have learned: never give up. See things through to the very end, because you could never imagine the things that can happen if you persevere. Do not try to control life, but never lose control of yourself.

Cheating

Let’s talk about cheating in relationships. It is amazing how people are able to create such a big grey area when it comes to what is right and what is wrong in this topic. It also surprises me how we are willing to disturb something as fragile as a relationship just to do something we clearly know is a mistake. For example, a young woman plans to watch a movie alone with a guy friend who is clearly interested, but she has a boyfriend who she loves. Is the act in itself of going to the guy friend’s house cheating? I mean, we all know what is most likely going to happen. So we can conclude that since she knows what is inevitable, the simple act of putting herself in that situation is a purposeful act of cheating.

I guess the best way to look at it is from the partner’s perspective. If I knew my boyfriend had decided to watch a late night movie alone in a room with a girl, you better believe I would be upset and would not waste a second to confront him about it. Some people might say that it is completely different for a girl to hang out with a guy friend while in a relationship than a guy hanging out with a lady friend while in a relationship. Is it? I must admit, I don’t think twice about the former, but the latter is a definite no-no for me. How can this be? It is a complete double standard. Is it because we find guys less trust worthy? A girl can handle the pressure and resist, but a guy can’t? I don’t believe that to be true.

Whenever I think about cheating, I automatically start comparing it to murder. In a way they are very similar. There are different types, two of them being the following: premeditated, and in the heat of the moment. Premeditated is definitely the worst of the two offenses, and is also the hardest to forgive and forget. It is easier to find excuses for the unplanned acts of cheating. Still is it really a lower degree offense? It certainly hurts just as bad.

So what constitutes the act of cheating? Like I mentioned before is it the simple act of putting oneself into that situation? Or maybe even the first premeditated thought? Does it only count once there is a kiss, or is holding hands part of the crime? Some may go as far as to say it is only cheating when you sleep with someone other than your significant other. What if the relationship is not “official” are there rules that say you can’t go on a date with someone else in that case? What are the real rules?

I guess the only rule there is here is the golden rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you. In my case, the simple act of planning to spend some alone time with a guy after ten pm felt wrong to me. I am still working on many things with the guy I am in a relationship with now, but I care about him deeply. I am not interested in the other guy, but he is interested in me, and we have both been interested in each other in the past. The idea that there may be even the slightest potential of attraction between us during the visit is enough to stop me. I am not willing to go down that road. I don’t want to have to face the guy I care about and tell him what I did, even if I may feel it is insignificant because it might not be so insignificant to him. For me, my guilt is the line keeping me out of the grey area.  I feel good about myself. I can look him in the eye and be honest with him always. He can always trust me, and now I know that I can trust myself.

So why cheat? What good can come of it? We need to learn to start looking past our immediate desires. We are not babies that can only thing of pleasure and the “now”. If a relationship is worth having, then it is worth denying ourselves certain things for the sake of that relationship. If there is such a great desire to be with someone else, then there must be something very wrong with the current relationship and perhaps that relationship should come to an end to make way for the new one. If you love someone, there is no excuse for hurting them by being with someone else. It will ruin a relationship forever. If you love someone, never cheat. It’s that simple.

When cheating does happen, is there a chance for forgiveness? I am not qualified to answer that, especially since it very much depends on the individuals and the situation they are in. In my mind, honesty is definitely the best policy. The horrifying truth should be exposed as soon as possible, by the guilty party. If I had to keep a secret like that, it would kill me. I do believe that something as big as cheating can never be kept a secret forever. The truth will always slip out eventually.